Go on space monkey. |
The Married Life
| by Pete
Brewer |
posted:
September 9th, 2002 |
'N Space?
 Another slow news day
in the mistake by the lake. Have I mentioned that my wife and I live in
Cleveland? It’s beautiful this time of year. Really. Speaking of Ohio, I
heard that a lady from the Buckeye state was told on an airplane recently
that she needed to purchase two seats because of her weight. Does it
surprise anyone that this lady would be from Ohio? Well, does it? I am not
sure if it is an actual census statistic yet, but there is definitely more
pounds/capita in Ohio than any other state. Without question.
Anyway, betwixt the trivial and boring news of the day--white powder found
in Al Gore’s office and Saudi press saying that Osama Bin Laden is alive and
well and again running Al-Qaeda—came a story much more earth shattering.
Lance Bass is going to space…in a space shuttle…with Russians. For the love
of Justin Timberlake!
A large majority of our population probably think this is newsworthy, or
worse, a good idea. My wife would be a member of that majority. That’s
right, my ball and chain actually thinks this is a good thing. Of course,
she watches The Today Show religiously, so that kind of explains her way of
thinking. Lance Bass going to the moon is optimal Today Show material. And
in reality, I wouldn’t mind it either, as long as I knew he wasn’t coming
back.
“Mr. Bass meets the criteria and is suitable as a crew member”. A NASA
spokeswoman spoke these words this week…but don’t worry ladies, he will be
flying with two experienced Russians. While he won’t have control of the
shuttle, he will be equipped with a book of crossword puzzles as well as
this year’s Kremlin Today swimsuit edition. Ah, forced capitalism
has truly taken hold of our red friends.
As if launching a member of pop royalty into orbit from the green
fields of Kazakhstan isn’t good enough, fear not, because the entire voyage
will be the topic of an eight part television series. Evidently, a
post-flight concert will follow.
I am going to take a time-out here. In my humble opinion, this ordeal is
doing to space travel what Whoopi Goldberg did to Ted Danson. I mean
seriously. How do you go from the guy all men aspire to be-the great Sam
Malone-to making movies like freaking Made in America?
As an aside, Ted Danson is one of the all time bests of the “Hollywood Types
with an Opinion Club”. Although I just made this club up (as in right now),
there are many members. The charter members would be Barbra Streisand,
Julia Roberts, and Alec Baldwin. I think these people are all exemplary
entertainers and I am attracted to them as well (actually, Barbra doesn’t do
a whole lot for me).
Anyway, back to my story. All of my ideals and images of Alan Shepard, John
Glenn, and Neil Armstrong are shattered. I have always thought that Lance
was the cute one, that doesn’t mean I need him to diversify his portfolio
beyond an occasional Hollywood cameo.
So, in only 42 short years, space travel has evolved from an unthinkable
odyssey to a comedic circus. But hey, at least we’ll get a reality show
from it all.
email me at pete@tipsybottle.com
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